It´s been a while

Sorry about that.
Sooo... What have I been up to? Trying to be a functioning human beeing. Did I fail? Yes....
I still have "highs and lows". I have big problems going outside and meeting people. I have had a lot of "highs", where I started to repaint our livingroom! I start to feel like it is a room where I am not so stressed out anymore... Mild colours with rugged finnish in everything. But, I have all this energy - I do things, and suddenly, I just fall apart... Again... My body hurts so bad.... Every muscle, every little part of my body aches...! I have lots of headaches and I just want to sleep all the time... 
 
So, last week M brought me to the cinema to see a Swedish movie called "Flykten till framtiden". I got to sit all the way up and in the corner so I did´nt have to sit next to anyone but M. I really appreciated that! I did have some anxietyattacks, but I survived ;) The movie was.... Maybe not my kind of movie, but it did have it´s moments.
Saturday... We had booked tickets to The Phantom of the Opera a long time ago, but it took a lot of effort on my behalf to accually get on the bus and go. I had a lot of anxietyattacks on the bus, so K´s headphones was truly my lifeline! I closed my eyes and drifted away into the world of music. The attacks took a lot of energy, so I slept a lot. On the evening we went to a two course dinner ( fantastic food! ), I had promised my doctor not to drink anymore alcohol, but my god how much I wanted to get drunk when I had to sit with all these people from Konsum Värmland that had nothing of value to say or discuss and the anxietyattacks got worse and worse...! In the part 2 of the opera I started crying (I blamed it on my lenses) and when we finally arrived att the hotel and I got up in our room, I thought I was going to die! I cried, I could not breathe because of both the cold I have and the anxiety and my body ached - you would not imagine!! So, my angel M went to the drugstore at aprox midnight and bought me migrane medicine and nosespray and when the medicines kicked in, I "dropped dead" within minutes and slept all night. 
The opera was amazing though. Normally, opera is not my favorite cup of tea, but The Phantom of the Opera is a "must see"! Especially with Peter Jöback.the Phantom of the Opera has been a huge favorite of mine since I was little. And now I have ordered the original novel - in english of course!
 
Yesterday we finally got to meet Andy. M got a tattoo from me and the kids in birthdaypresent. And I scheduled my own tattoo at the same day. I feel very comfortable with Andy, so being with him does not stress me out as much. But, after 3 ½ h my body reacted to the physical stress and all hell broke loose with fever and general cold, causing me to cough out my lungs... (Well, to be honest, I did allready have a cold, but it got worse again).
So, today, I have been doing nothing at all, except rest a lot. And now I will continue doing just that. :)
I know, it barely shows at this pic, but the walls are acually light grey now, instead of white :)
This is the tattoo Andy drew
 
M´s birthday present
My tattoo, still black and grey.
And when finnished.

Saturday

I hardly slept last night. I can´t stop coughing and it hurts so bad! Early in the morning (or really late night?) I went to take some medicin and place my ass on the couch trying to get some sleep in a sitting position. When sleep finally came, I dreamt about grey hairs, ghosts and me and M fighting a lot... When I woke up, I was sooooo sad...
I don´t feel very well today, but we will try to go somewhere with the kids, take a long walk in the forest and maybe make ourselves a small campfire and have a nice time together. Right now, it feels like I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep for a week, but I know that when I am there, in the woods, I will feel so much better...! I need to kick myself in the butt...!
I feel different, but I still have severe moodswings. I can tell that I still have those "higs and lows"...
I must get dressed, comb my hair and get ready for the walk when M comes home, but it all feel like this huuuuge projekt that I can´t really handle. The thought of meeting people scares me, I don´t know why... I feel paranoid. It takes so much energy from me, and I could really use every tiny bit of it myself right now. I am starting to get a headache and I´m not really up for anything. Maybe, I will take the kids to Ilanda and buy some saturday candy while we are waiting for M... Maybe...´cause there´s people there... Fuck...
Oh, well... One tiny step at the time... Babysteps... First of all, I will brusch my teeth and comb my hair... The voices within me starts their argument; Do we really have to..? Yes we do! Go on! But what if we don´t...?
 
With love from//Sophia
 

Positive energy

Friday.
I still got a cold.
Finally I told my brothers and sisters about it and something positive came out of this.
I will start horsebackriding again out in the woods skattkärr-väse. I struggle with feelings of guilt of doing something just for me
My social anxiety is worse than ever. Yesterday I´ve got this anxietyattack, so bad that I thought that I was going to die! My heart felt like it was going to pound its way right out of my chest and run away, I could not breathe, my vision got all blurry and my body started to shake real bad...! But something is different... It´s like afterwards, my body shuts down. I somehow drift into myself and I just sit there, staring at something random... I really don´t like how it feels....
Today, I will make myself lots of coffee. Meditate. Try to clean up this place and try to stay away from doing those things that aren´t really necessary but I really love to do, like painting furniture and such.
I struggle a lot with my memory and speech right now. I forgot what I was talking about, right in the middle of a sentence, or I just get silent in a middle of a conversation, not knowing what the hell we were talking about. I change words, for example "Jag ska å hälsa på rektorn" instead of "Jag ska på läkarbesök". Or I have difficulties pronouncing the simplest words right. (Again, sorry for my bad grammar).
I will be a a housewife today. Or I will try to be. Now, some more coffee and start folding laundry. 
Maybe I will write something more later. When I get a little bit better, I will do my vlog too....
 
With love from// Sophia